They Don't Know
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: He could never find the words to tell her so he did the only thing he could. He pinned her up against the wall and he kissed her...He kissed her hard and fervently. Rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: No no no, as my nephew would say!**

**I don't know why but it just came to me when I was having a bad day. I'd love to hear what you think!**

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They don't know how bad she hurts. How badly moments like this consume her from  
the inside out. They don't know how much energy is put into keeping the tears  
from falling down her cheeks, how much effort it is to keep from sobbing. They  
don't know what goes on in her head, they don't know the dark thoughts that  
engross her mind day in and day out, they don't know the things she's done to  
herself, they don't know how she really feels about her life. They don't know  
that in moments like these is when she borders on losing her resolve.

They don't know.

They don't know that in moments like this is when she allows herself to think of  
all the things she's been through, of all the things she's put people through  
only to end up back here. Broken and alone.

And she's so _tired_ of being alone, of being here, sitting in the dark with  
everything on her mind. She's still suffering, still grieving over the little  
things, over the big things and its been eating at her heart for three and half  
years! Plus fourteen if she really thinks about it.

And she's just so tired. So tired of being tired that she just wishes she could  
let go. Let go of all the emotions that's been building up inside her, bubbling  
up to the rim, ready to boil over, to be let out. But somehow she always manages  
to reel herself back in, put the lid on her emotions before anyone could get  
even just a fraction of a peek.

But tonight she's really feeling it, the push of her emotions, the uncontrolled  
rush of thoughts that race through her mind, the tears that keep threatening to  
mark their territory down her cheeks. It all becomes so overbearing and  
overwhelming that she just can't hold it back anymore.

One lone tear finally surfaces and makes its way down her cheek. Slow and  
burning.

They don't know that it's these tears that hurt the most. The silent ones that  
burn as they surface and sting as they stream down. They don't know that it's  
quiet moments like this when she's alone that she wants to sob, that the silent  
tears are screaming as they go down, that on the inside she just wants to let  
go, that she feels the worst of her pain surface and yield its ugly face, but  
she can't. Despite her hearts protest that cleansing is good, that it's healthy,  
she clenches her stomach and forehead to keep from letting it out.

She wants to let it out though she wants to let it carry her into another world  
but going home might not be the best idea for her because physically being alone  
will end up with her having a massive headache and aching arms. Those two  
factors will only make things worse and who knows what she'll end up doing in  
this mental state while drunk.

This thought scares her, brings back old memories that she really wishes she  
would forget.

Memories that bring her back to when she was nineteen after her mom first got  
killed. She tried so many ways to hurt herself, to punish herself, to kill  
herself but was never successful. Which only fueled her more and more over the  
years. When her murder was officially contributed to "random gang violence" she  
knew what she needed to do and she wasn't going to let anyone stop her. Not that  
anyone cared what she did at the time but she knew and she's been sticking to  
it.

She's been sticking to it despite all the damage it's done to her heart  
-emotionally and literally- and the toll it's taken on her mind. She has a whole  
new way of thinking now since her mom died and she hates it.

She hates the way she feels about herself, she hates her outlook on life, she  
hates the way she won't allow herself to be happy.

_God! Why does she do this to herself? Why her?_

More tears begin to fall, hot and heavy, silent and deadly, and uncontrollable.  
They keep flowing, unable to stop, and before she has a chance to even get up to  
go to the bathroom someone's there asking her what's wrong. As if she isn't  
embarrassed enough and now someone catches her crying.

It took her years to build up her reputation and all because of this one thing,  
this one moment someone happens to catch her in her weakest time. Great just  
great. Just her fucking luck.

"Beckett what's wrong?" She hears him say and she can't help but notice how  
familiar his voice sounds. "Why are you crying?"

From the corner of her eye she sees him set a cup of coffee down on her desk.

Shit.

Of all people it's him. Of course she wouldn't have it any other way!

It's when she feels his hand come to rest on her shoulder that she freaks out.  
She doesn't want to be touched, she didn't ask to be touched, so she doesn't  
want to be touched. Even if its him.

"Castle I'm fine," she said jumping up from her seat and practically running to  
the break room. She just wants him to go away he's the last person on earth who  
she wants to see her this way. Plus she's really vulnerable right now so  
whatever he may say could crack the rest of her resolve.

"Clearly you're not," he said raising his voice and following her into the break  
room. "Tell me what's wrong I'm here for you."

The sincerity in his voice was too much she couldnt bear to listen to him never  
mind look at him. She wanted to believe him but she knew if she did then she's  
setting herself up for a lot of pain and disappointment.

She ran out the break room and Castle followed close behind. "Beckett please I  
wanna help."

She didn't answer she just locked herself in the bathroom. He needs to go away  
because she won't be able to resist him if he tries to coax what's wrong out of  
her.

She just needs to pull herself together. Stop the tears and her trembling  
breath, slow her erratic heartbeat and clear her cloudy mind.

After she dries her face she stares at herself in the mirror. She doesn't know  
how long she ended up staring but it felt like hours. She stared at herself so  
long that her reflection has gotten blurry and she sees nothing but faded colors  
and shapes. Is that all she is? A faded color and a shape?

She's tried so hard to make a name for herself to make herself known for  
excellency but right now as she stares at herself she sees nothing but a  
pathetic woman who can't keep herself in check, who doesn't know how to handle  
her emotions.

When she feels she's ready she leaves the bathroom. She's hoping that Castle  
decided to leave and not bother her about this at all but of course when she  
steps out there he is standing right outside the door. When she walks by she  
doesn't give him a second glance as she heads for her desk.

"Are you ready to tell me what's wrong?"

She ignores his question and just grabs her coat from off the back of her chair.  
"Go home Castle."

"I was home and then Esposito told me you were still here. I figured after the  
day we've had you'd stay home."

"I did go home Castle," she said dryly while gathering up her things. Then  
decided against it because she knows she's going to end up back here after she  
gets rid of him. So she just pocketed her cell phone and went to put on her coat  
but Castle took it out her hands and held it open for her.

Why does he have to do this? Be so nice? What did she do to deserve this  
treatment? If anything she doesn't deserve it not after what she's done.

She wants to be grateful but she just can't bring herself to even smile at him.  
But she does reluctantly accept the gesture but that doesn't mean she'll accept  
his presence right now.

"Beckett," he says softy and turns her around to face him. "Please tell me  
what's wrong," he pleaded.

The look in his eyes is enough to send her spiraling back down again. And she  
can feel it, rising back up. But she can't let them show. The new tears that are  
welling up. She can't even let them surface. She has to hold on until Castle has  
left her presence then maybe she can let go.

"I'm fine," she repeated before heading to the elevator.

"I think we should take the stairs. The elevator was acting weird when I came  
up," he told her, his voice laced with worry.

"It'll be fine." Indifferent and emotionless.

As she walked on the elevator she saw Castle getting on right behind her.  
"Thought it was weird?"

"If you're stupid enough to get on I'm stupid enough to get on with you," he  
mumbled to himself.

Something pulled at her heart and she couldn't help but feel guilty about the  
way she's treating him. He's been nothing but concerned for her and she's being  
a massive bitch. And he's being sweet without knowing it and it makes her feel  
that much worse. What is she going to do with him? He can't keep treating her  
like she's done nothing wrong when in reality everything that's wrong is her  
fault.

When the doors closed to the elevator she took a deep breath. Only a few more  
seconds with him and everything will be fi-

Suddenly there was a loud clank and the elevator started shaking, then the  
lights started flickering, right before it stopped all together.

The lights went out for a brief moment before the emergency lights came on.

Come the fuck on! Why! This is just her fucking luck! Of course the elevator  
would break down! Of course!

All she wants to do is get rid of Castle so she can cry alone. Is that too much  
to ask?

And to make it worse their cell phones don't have service.

"Told you it was weird," he muttered.

She wasn't in the mood for "I told you so's" She just wants off this stupid  
elevator so she can curl up in a ball and weep in peace. What are the odds of  
her getting stuck in an elevator during this time of distress and with Castle of  
all people?

When she tried to call to the night guard and he didn't respond Kate just stood  
in the corner of the elevator furthest from Castle.

She doesn't know how long she'll be able to keep a cap on her emotions. Any  
minute now she's gonna pop and it won't be pretty.

"You okay?" He asked shyly. Keeping distance between them even from his tone of  
voice.

"Fine," she mumbled. But she isn't fine and she's tired of lying. She wishes  
that she could tell him, she wishes that she didn't have to keep everything  
bottled up, she wishes that she could release everything she's been keeping from  
him, but she can't. There's like an invisible force that clogs her throat to  
stop her from ever releasing said information. It sucks. It just sucks. Even if  
she wanted to share she couldn't.

"Why were you crying earlier Kate?"

Because she's tired. She's tired of being this way of living in secret, in  
hiding. She's tired of the constant harassment from her own mind, of the way she  
treats herself. That's why she was crying because she's tired of the self hatred  
that she can't seem to live without.

"Talk to me Beckett. Is it because of what happened today? Because we're fine we  
made it out alive."

"Shut up!" She yelled. "Just please shut up."

"What is it? Just tell me!" He's pushing and he knows it but he feels like this  
is the best. He has a feeling that whatever's wrong is more than just something  
to do with a brush with death. Whatever's wrong must be something that had time  
to build up and cause great damage because the look in her eye is one he's never  
seen on Kate Beckett before and it's scaring him.

"Whatever it is it's okay. It can't be this bad."

This statement catches her attention. Who does he think he is?!

"How do you know Castle? How do you know what it is that I'm feeling? You don't  
know what it's like so please don't tell me it can't be that bad!" She didn't  
mean to snap at him but he's pushing her over the edge and a person can only  
take but so much.

"How am I supposed to know Beckett if you won't tell me? I'm trying to help  
you!"

"You can't!" She yelled before lowering her voice to a whimper. "It's too late  
for me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm damaged Castle I'm broken."

He stood there standing on the opposite side of the elevator staring at her in  
disbelief.

That can't be what she thinks of herself?

"Why would you think that Kate? Don't you know that you're much more than that?"

"Please Castle. Everyone knows it and right now I don't wanna pretend okay? So  
just leave me alone."

He huffed out a breath before speaking again. "Do you not know how extraordinary  
you are? Kate Beckett you are one of the strongest people I know. You are not  
broken."

"Stop trying to act like you know me. You don't know the half of it!"

"The half of what? Kate!"

"You almost died today Castle. You almost got eaten by a fucking tiger!" She  
calmed her voice down to a whisper when she felt the tears start streaming down.  
"And it's my fault."

"How is that you're fault?"

"I put you in that situation. I shouldn't even had let you come. You have a  
daughter what if you would've gotten killed on my watch?"

"We were handcuffed Kate you would've be eaten too. And that doesn't prove how  
it's your fault. You didn't force me into going to that house. I have a deal  
with the department Beckett if something happens to me it's my fault. I know  
what I signed up for."

"No," she sighed loudly. "You don't get it."

"Clearly I don't. You're gonna have to explain it to me Kate," he said flaring  
his arms out as if he's giving in.

She put her back to him and faced the back wall of the elevator. She can't look  
him in the eye. Telling him this would just be too painful to see his reaction,  
to see hatred light up in his eyes, to see the moment she looses her best  
friend, the man she loves.

She's still crying, old tears drying up but leaving there mark down her cheeks,  
new tears forming and mimicking the old tears tracks, but still burning as they  
go...just as hot.

"I remember Castle."

"Remember what?" He asked shrugging.

"I remember...when you told me," she took a deep breath but still didn't face  
him. "That you loved me. I lied."

He paused for a second to let it sink in. "Why would you do that? How could you  
do this?" He yelled disbelievingly.

She let out a sob when she heard the anger in his voice. She never meant for any  
of this to happen, especially not this way.

"I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I figured we were both better  
off pretending it never happened."

"How could you think that stringing me along was the right thing to do? After  
everything we've been through together? How could you!"

"I kept telling myself that you didn't really mean it, that it was something you  
said in the moment because I had a bullet in my chest. I convinced myself that  
you didn't mean it." She turned around and rested her head against the back wall  
but had her eyes pinned to the ceiling. "I kept saying to myself 'he doesn't  
love me. Why would he love me?' It was easier that way I guess."

It was like she was talking to herself, as if she was alone. She's not trying to  
convince him per se but herself even more.

"For a while I let myself believe you did actually have feelings for me but then  
reality set in. Why would you? You're a famous rich handsome novelist. You can  
have anybody you wanted why would you want me? I mean I'm nobody. Just someone  
you based a character off."

"You clearly don't know how extraordinary you are," he exclaimed honestly. He  
seemed to forget how she lied to him or is it that truly seeing her  
insecurities scares him. He didn't know that she thought so lowly of herself  
nor does he know why.

"How am I extraordinary?" She seethed, looking at him for the first time. "I'm a  
liar and I'm so damaged...beyond repair. Sometimes I like to pretend  
everything's okay when it's not. But now I'm tired of it. I can't seem to hold  
on anymore."

"Where is this coming from?" He whispered, his own tears forming at the pain in  
her voice, the pain in her eyes.

Surprisingly she's giving in, letting the truth roll off her tongue freely for  
the first time in her life. She's not fighting the barrier any more or herself  
to keep it all bottled in.

"I guess it all started after she died you know? I was so lost I didn't know  
what to do with myself. Eventually I went numb with the excessive amount of pain  
I was in. I hated it so I-" she stopped. No one knows about this, not even  
Burke. It's been her secret since she was nineteen and she never once thought  
that she would be sharing it. Especially not with Castle.

"It was the only thing that helped. That helps," she corrected. "I don't want to  
feel numb anymore I need to feel something even if its pain."

"What are you talking about? What did you do?"

"I-uh. I hurt myself," she said so lowly it was almost imperceptible.

"Kate!" He yelled. "How could you do this?" She's crazy if she's really trying  
to justify cutting herself.

"It makes me feel better! It helps!" She's getting defensive and she knows it's  
for no reason. She won't win this argument.

Castle's so bewildered by all of this coming from her. As he stares at this  
woman he doesn't recognize her, she's not the woman he fell in love with, she's  
not the woman he's been getting to know for the last three and a half years. He  
needs to show her that she isn't all these things she claims to be, that she's  
much more than a woman who faces great tragedies.

He could never find the words to tell her so he did the only thing he could. He  
pinned her up against the wall and he kissed her. He had to show her that she's  
much more than her mothers murder or her shooting. He had to show her that she  
doesn't have to live like this.

They both were a crying mess on the back of the elevator wall. She decided to  
let herself have this moment, to allow herself to be loved and cared for by the  
man she loves.

"You don't have to be this way. I love you because of who you are and this," he  
gestured to the air. "Everything you're telling me just isn't it. You're strong  
and smart and beautiful and tenacious and determined. You are by far one of the  
most amazing people I've ever met."

"Okay."

"No you have to believe it!"

She didn't say anything. She just looked away from him. There's no way he could  
take away years of pain with simple words. She appreciates it but he still  
doesn't know.

"I didn't do it as much after I met you."

He wanted to ask her what she meant but then it hit him. She said she does it  
because she doesn't want to feel numb anymore, she needed to feel something even  
if it was pain. But when she met him she started getting feelings for him. Those  
feelings turned to love so she didn't have a need to cut anymore.

"We're gonna get you through this. Together and I don't care how long it takes."

She shook her head only to humor him. But she knew that none of this was going  
to happen because he still doesn't know. None of them do. There's no way that in  
just four hours she could explain everything, all the things she's felt and kept  
inside.

So she'll give him this moment to hold her while they sit on the floor, to allow  
herself to grieve in his arms. She can let herself let go this once with someone  
but tomorrow when she comes in she'll act like none of this happened because he  
still doesn't know and she doesn't think he ever will.


	2. Chapter 2

**For all the people suffering from chronic depression and/or bipolar disorder**

They were let out of the elevator some time around three in the morning when the new desk guard came in for his shift. They stayed close together with her practically in his lap, their fingers laced together and faces just an inch from each other. But as soon as they were let out she was distant and didn't speak to him. she barely even acknowledged his presence. She just went straight home.

She didn't come in for work that day either. She really just wasn't up for it. Being with Castle in that elevator made her feel better; loved but now that it's over, now that she can't have him every minute of everyday it weighs her back down. The knowledge that he's only a temporary high has her feeling like she shouldn't even bother.

Hours go by and she stays wrapped in herself on her bed. Here when she's alone she allows herself to weep, she allows herself to venture off into the what ifs and the if onlys. She allows her mind to just completely drift off into its own world and it always come back down to one thing: she's not good enough.

Nobody knows how truly insecure she is. When she's in room full of women all she can truly see is that all of them are prettier and skinnier, and funnier than she is. They don't know how much that can bring her down, how easily just simple thoughts could cause a horrific depression episode. She doesn't know how to accept compliments. Mainly because she doesn't believe them. Men have told her countless times that she's pretty and that she has amzing eyes but she doesn't believe them. She swears that they only say these things because they want something. Then she chastises herswelf for thinking this because she's just being overly paranoid.

She doesn't know what's wrong with her! She doesn't know why she's like this!

They don't know how angry she is inside, how easliy she gets angry. So angry that she just wants to lash out, break everything, and destroy things, but she doesn't because she finds the will to rellit all in and hold it. And most of the time it's over little things that shouldn't matter! But they do and she doesn't understand why and it kills her! It drives her crazy because she gets mad, furious over the smallest things and then she wants to fucking kill herself over it because it's stupid. It seems like every time something goes wrong she's pushed farther over the edge, every time feels like the last time before she puts a stop to it all.

They don't know that when she's alone at home that she's in danger. She's in more danger of herself than she is anywhere else. When she gets like this she hurts herself to feel better but at the same time locks it all up just so she won't explode. Her thoughts are dangerous, lethal in fact and almost every time this happens she commits mental suicide. What else can she do?

Cutting helps. It relieves her of the pain she's in. It helps her think straght it helps her feel sane. When she cuts it takes the mental pain and turns it physical so she won't feel crazy about the agony settling in her mind. Cutting makes it real, she can see what it's doing to her mind when she looks at the scars, old and new. When she cuts it's not all in her head and she does get relief.

But cutting, just like Castle, is a temporary high. She cuts and will feel better for maybe an hour or so then the guilt settles deep into her bones making her hate herself even more. Each scar is a battle with herself that she's lost. And here she is fighting the same war over and over again whn she knows it's not going to get better. Then of course the guilt for cutting ventures off into guilt for other things. Like lying to Castle or wasting fourteen years of her life or for even being alive. Yes, that's the one that has her up crying until four o'clock in the morning. _She feels guilty for being alive!_

And the sad part is she knows it doesn't make any sense but that doesn't stop her from feeling it. That doesn't stop the pain from coming. All she knows is that she feels it all the time and it doesnt go away.

Everybody gets tired but they don't know the meaning of the word. They don't know whar tired is until they've been through the pain and suffering she has. First she loses her mother in one of the most violent ways possible. Stabbed. Then her father falls into alcohol for four years. She's the one who had to clean up empty bottles, throw up, and even blood sometimes if he had an accident. She's the one who had to bathe him and feed him and clothe him whenever he passed out. She already had lost her mother and becuase of that she had to watch as her father wasted away.

For fourteen years she's had to deal with always being a step behind her mothers murderer. Then she was shot. Right in her goddamn heart. If that's not a sign fromthe world then she doesn't know what is. And to add to it she hurt the man she loves. she lost her captain and training officer in the same year. So yes she's tired. She fits the title of being tired and it makes her sick when people who have it good are constantly complaining. They don't know pain and suffering the way she does!

What is she saying? Of course they do. Everybody suffers from something in their life and just because she's been through many great tragedies in hers doesn't give her the right to tell other people they can't complain. Now more guilt settles in and she can't stop the new flow of tears from coming and streaming down her face.

She can't take this anymore. She makes no sense at all how she switches attitudes so suddenly. It makes no sense how quickly guilt settles over her. She's tired of living this way. She's tired of being this way! She's tired of hiding herself from the people she cares about, from the world, from herself. She's sick of the long sleeves and hiding her scars and tears with make up. She's sick of pretending she's okay when in reality she's dying inside!

She sits up in bed and wipes the tears from her face but they're replaced by the fresh tears forming and streaming down. She pulls her sleeves down to wipe her face fully. She's tired and she's alone and she just wants to stop crying! She's had it with this episode. It needs to pass. But for some reason it won't. And she knows the only way it'll pass is if she cuts. At first it sounds good. Seeing the blood, feeling the pain, relishing in the relief, but she knows what comes after that. The guilt then the self hatred that makes her want to cut even more. What is she going to do?

The sound of her phone ringing brings her out of herself, sends chills down her spine, and a scream out her throat. People have been calling all day and she just ignores them because she's in no state of mind to talk. But she answers this time because it's the twenty sixth time Castle has called and he needs to stop. It's making her more upset than she already is when all she wants is to calm down and not have the urge to cut. She knows she owes him an explanantion she knows that he's proabaly just worried about her but she just can't see gim right now. After what just happened in the elevator she just won't be able to take the stability he'll provide. Once she gets use to having him here she won't be able to take it when he leaves. Because she knows he will. They all do.

But now what is she saying? Castle's always been there for her what's to stop him now? He told her when they were in the elevator how much he wants to help. He wants her to get better so she can go back to being the Kate Beckett he knows and loves. He said they're going to get through this no matter how long it takes. Maybe she should answer the phone but at the same time she's scared he might leave her, she's scared that he won't care anymore and decide to leave her to fix herself. But it's Castle! He wouldn't do that. But regardless of thsi fact she still has a sickening feeling about it.

She answers the phone but she doesn't let him get any words in. All she tells him is to leave her alone and ler her go then hangs up. She needs to get better. She has to go into work tomorrow morning and she doesn't want to be an emotional wreck. So she pulls herself together. She showers and wipes her face clean of all tears and dries her hair. Unfortunately she puts on another long sleeved shirt to hide her scars from herself. Then she does the only thing that can seem to ever make her feel better. She reads one of Castle's books with a tall glass of wine while cuddled on the couch. This should help her get back to herself. Then maybe she can really talk to Castle about what happened in the elevator.

Maybe.

Before she can get a page into the book or a sip into her wine there's a knock at her door. Her heart rate picks up immediatly. She isn't expecting anymone and if it's someone coming to check on her she'll have to explain her extremely puffy face and red eyes which would mean telling them why she was crying and she can't do that. She can't pretend she isn't home because her lights are on and they would know. There's nothing she can do except suck it up and open the door.

When she does open it she's instantly shoved backwards. "Are you okay? Why haven't you been answering my calls? And I'm sorry to jsut drop by but I've been really worried about you. When you did answer I got scared because I thought you were going to hurt yourself and I couldn't just sit there and let you," Castle explained.

"You need to go," was all she said, her hand pressing his chest to get him to move back.

"You were crying?" He stated. He brought his hands to either side of her face and with his thumbs he wiped the space directly under eyes, where her tears were.

Too intimate. She looked away. "As you can see I'm fine so just please go.."

"Just because you have your tears controlled right now doesn't mean you're fine. You're far from it Kate. Let me in let me help you."

"I don't need your help!" She yelled smacking his hands away from her face. "I'm fine." She could feel the tears coming back and she so desperately wanted to gain control over them because he couldn't see.

"You're clearly not fine Katie. Please just let me help you." He took her by her hands and pulled her into his chest, crushing her to him. Kate immediately went to fight him off. Pushing and fighting against him to no avail. He was too strong and eventually she gave up and hugged him back, clinging to him with her life. "You have to talk to me Kate so I can help. Okay?" He felt her nod against him. Her head was tucked under his head in the crook of his neck and her hands were on his chest holding onto him tightly. With his foot he closed her door and walked her to the couch.

She sat with one leg tucked underneath her in the center of the couch and Castle sat on the end. That way he's far enough to give her space but close enough if she needs to reach out. He doesn't want to push her but he doesn't want to make it easy for her to run either. He braces himself for a long battle he knows he's about to be put through but he has hope because she allowed him in and agreed to talk so he could help. As long as she doesn't backtrack everything should be fine.

She doesn't know how to start or even where to start at that. How do you explain something that you don't understand yourself? You can't. She can't explain why she has impure thoughts or why she wants to hurt herself. She can't explain her sudden attitude changes. She can't explain why she is the way she is. So what does he want from her? How is forcing her to talk about it going to help?

"What is going on with you Kate?"

She had her head down and her hair was curtaining her face while she spoke lowly. "I told you I just get sad sometimes."

"How often?" He's trying to keep his voice from being too high or having too much emotion. He feels like keeping an emotional indifference will stop her from being upset and will keep her talking.

"Very. But I manage."

"Manage meaning?" She looked up at him with her puffy damaged eyes for the first time and he understood. "How does hurting yourself help Kate? Why of all things resource to that?"

"I'm lonely Castle. I know it may not be a big deal to you but it is to me. I come home to an empty apartment everyday…then when I'm not home I deal with dead bodies and murder and lies and secrets and it just makes it worse. What I feel isn't physical so it's mentally disturbing me. Doing what I do helps me to feel and seeing the scars," she absentmindedly wrapped one hand around her wrist. "Makes me think that I'm healing. With cu-cutting I can see the damage it's done to me and I can see it get better."

"But it's not really healing you Katie it's destroying you."

"I know. Hurting myself is kinda like a trail run. I do it once and it doesn't work then I do it deeper and it only works for a short amount of time. It helps for the time being and as long as I get through the episode I'm fine."

"Episode?" he asked leaning foreword.

"Most people who suffer from depression are depressed all the time. I'm not. I have my moments where I'm down and my moments when I'm fine."

"So it can't be that bad because you don't deal with it all the time."

"You'd think but no. people who deal with it all the time have it better. You see they're on a straight line. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get worse. But me, mine gets worse. Every time it comes, every time I have an episode I get lower and lower. Every time feels like it's the one that's gonna kill me because it's worse than the last one."

"I get it. I'm sorry. You don't have to live this way. You don't have to hide away in yourself just because you're battling this."

"I don't know what to do with myself anymore," she whispered her tears starting to rise up again.

"I can help you Kate. You just have to fully let me in. You have to trust me." Her tears started flowing down in an unbreakable rhythm. One by one through each eye, never giving her a chance to compose herself. "Can you tell me how it started?"

"After my mother died."

"You know I need more than that. Please Kate trust me."

"I," she paused, "I-I don't wanna talk about this." Her cries grew louder, stronger but he didn't let up. She has to talk about it, she has to have some form of release that isn't cutting.

"Katie," he said reaching out to her. "Come here." She took his hand and he pulled her closer to him with her practically in his lap again. "You can talk to me. I'm not here to judge you I'm here to help you. And in order to do that I've got to know the story."

She took a deep breath then closed her eyes before speaking. "It was after she died. I was grieving and I knew that one day it wouldn't hurt as much so I tried to stay positive. But then my dad started drinking and fell apart. I had to clean up after him and drag him home from bars and," she paused to control the anger rising up. "Bathe him after he sat in his own vomit for days. He brought me down with him. One day we were fighting because he caught me dumping all his beer down the sink and he started throwing them at me. Glass was everywhere and when I tried to get away from it I slipped on it, fell and cut my forearm."

"That's how the cutting started?" He stated more so than asked.

"Yeah. It hurt so badly because it was a deep cut but at the same time it felt good. It was relief. So I started doing it all the time whenever I was down or stressed. I stopped for a while and when I did my episodes gre longer and worse. I started again one day and it got better. But then of course when I cut I feel guilty for doing it and I'm right back down again."

"Oh Kate. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm so sorry," he said wrapping his arms around her waist and tugging her further into him. Now she's straddling his lap. Their chests pressed together and faces and inch from each other. He kissed the side of her head before tightening his hold around her. "I'm so so sorry. But you'll get through this, we'll get through this. One step at a time."

"It's like the circle of death."

"Shh. It'll be okay. You won't be circling forever."

They sat in silence fro a while, while her sobs died down. He held her tightly and never let up and she had her hands on his chest fisting his jacket in her hands. When she finally calmed down enough to speak she shifted her head closer to his ear to whisper.

"I'm so sorry Castle. I'm so sorry for lying to you."

"No no you've already explained that. I understand."

"Just because you understand doesn't mean you don't have a right to be angry with me."

"Alright look. I am upset that you led but I get what happened. I'll get over it Kate."

"No its not that simple Castle. Out of all these years we've been working together you've never lied to me and you've had my back so I have no excuse. There's no reason for me to have believed what I did."

"Kate you thought what anyone would've thought. That I only told you that I loved you because you were dying. That's justified. But yes you were wrong. I told you I loved you when you were shot because I didn't," he paused to take an exasperated breath. "I didn't want you to die without knowing how I felt. And I-"

"Didn't want to have to deal with feeling like an idiot for waiting so long to tell me if I did die."

"Exactly."

She sighed and rested her forehead against his. "So where does this leave us?"

"Lets not worry about us right now okay? Once we get you settled then we'll talk us. Alright?" She nodded shyly. "And in the mean time," he paused to take her wrist in his hand. "No more of that. Got me? Whenever you feel the need call me. Day or night."

She can't promise him that. She can't promise that she'll stop cutting. As much pain as it causes she doesn't know what she'd do without it. Cutting is all she's known since this started and now he's trying to take it away from her. When in a way she's fallen in love with it and her depression. She's come to rely on it in her darkest hours and they always pull through. She's scared of what moving foreword means, she's scared of what her life would be like without cutting and without the sadness resting in her heart. So no she cannot promise that she'll stop cutting. The best that she can do is cut back on cutting. No pun intended.

When she didn't' speak he focused his eyes back on her wrist placed firmly in his hand. Then he slowly began to pull up her sleeves. She's never let anyone do this. Seeing her scars is equivalent to having access to all her secrets or seeing her completely stripped of clothing. It's up close and personal it's an intimacy she's never shared with anyone. So right now knowing what he's doing is scaring her, sending waves of panic down her spine that has her wanting to runaway. She wants to retreat, to pull away but can't bring herself to do it. She can trust him. She can trust that he won't hurt her scars.

He keeps pulling until all the scars are revealed and she ends up looking away. She won't be able to stand the look on his face when he sees them. She doesn't want to see the hatred or the disappointment or the pity in his eyes. She doesn't even want to see the scars herself. Not unless she has to and right now she doesn't.

When her sleeves are up she doesn't hear him or feel him do anything. So she slowly turns around to come face to face with something she never thought she'd see when he saw them.

Love.

He circled his thumb along the scars and took note of them. Some were straight, clean cuts across the wrist that suggest that she only did it simply to feel better. But there are others that are diagonal and vertical and some that are obviously meant to punish, suggesting a large amount of self-hatred. He wants to be mad, he wants to be disappointed, but he isn't. He's proud. He's proud of her because out of all the times she's cut she could've easily ended herself; ended the pain, but she didn't. She's still here and he's proud of her, so so proud of her.

He stopped circling his thumb on her scars so she thought he was done. But what he did next took her breath away. He kissed them. Each one lightly with his eyes closed. She didn't know what to so, she didn't even know what to say she hadn't been expecting this reaction at all. He looked up at her with glassy eyes and spoke softly. "You're beautiful."

Her heart swelled and began beating so quickly she thought it was going to burst out of her chest. She's in love with him and he keeps doing things like this making her love him more. She didn't speak because again she didn't know what she could possibly say. Because her scars are such an important feature on her having someone kiss them means everything.

She took her free hand in his and pressed his against her chest so he could feel her heart beat. When his eyes met hers she knew that he understood what she was trying to say. She rested her forehead against his once more and fisted her hands in his jacket. "Castle," she whispered, pulling on his jacket to get him to come closer. It was then that she pushed their lips together.

He responded instantly, taking her by the back of her neck to get a better angle on her mouth. Her hands snaked up from his chest into his hair. His mouth was so warming and loving. She wants more, she needs more. She needs to have all of him. So she tries to undress him but he stopped her. "Kate," he whispered. Hoping she would understand that they couldn't. Not like this.

This is what she feared. This is a part of why she lied. Rejection. It's a scary thing.

"Castle," she whined. Her hands pulling him closer, her lips just barely touching his. "Please. Please Castle."

She leaned back in capturing his lips again with her own. This time he didn't fight her. This time he would really show her how much he loves her, this time he would show her that's she's much more than her scars. He would force her to see her beauty, to see how extraordinary she is. So he carried her to her bedroom and made love to her. Proving how much he loves her and that he isn't going anywhere. They're going to get through this. No matter how long it takes.

So she'll talk to Burke about her scars. She's ready to take that step forward and get better.

She's ready to have him know so that he can help her and she won't have to hide, so she won't have to feel the way she does. So she can let herself be happy with the man lying next to her.

**I hope you enjoyed this little story**


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